PROLOGUE

19th April 2998, day three in Serene Settlements.

Memories…so many memories…all of them buried deep in a drawer at the back of my mind. No, I am not trying to forget them, quite the contrary in fact. I need to unlock the drawer…and remember. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated recollections…recollections that a fifteen year old like me had no business having! Till this day, I do not know what truly happened, and I probably will never find out either. I wonder if things like this happen to everyone, only they keep quiet and never tell their tale.

I know I am in an asylum. Do you think I do not have eyes? I can see for myself. The guards like to patrol those cells every half hour or so, in case the “mentally disturbed patients” harm themselves. Only we aren’t supposed to call them guards. They are Ms. Iris and Ilea, our so-called friends. And that means ‘guards’, you and I both know that. Mentally disturbed patients. Hah. Why don’t they just come right out and call us lunatics? I know I probably shouldn’t take it out on Iris and Ilea. They have good intentions, after all, and it wasn’t their fault I was stranded in this prison.

Nevertheless, those women get on my nerves all the time, with their slow, deliberate voices, almost as if I was a three year old. I am already fifteen, perhaps elder. Also, you know the way identical twins sometimes finish their twin’s sentences? Well, Iris and Ilea are like that, only they do it all the time. Iris never finishes her sentences and Ilea always completes them. I wonder how they cope when they get separated. Iris would probably go like, “So, how…?” to some random person while Ilea, in a different place would go like, “…are you?” That would indeed be a hilarious situation and I wish I could be there to see it if it ever happens. However, those two seem to be inseparable and it is enough to drive anyone up the wall to listen to their talk…that is, if they haven’t already went off their rocker in the first place.

In addition to that, Iris is the twin with a loud, hearty voice while Ilea has this high-pitched, scratchy voice. Do you still wonder why they work in Serene Settlements? I guess it is the only place anyone can bear their contrasting voices completing sentences. Iris and Ilea are tall, pale and dark-haired. The colour of their skin is unreal. There’s always this ghostly tinge and the twins seem to radiate this chilly aura despite their warm personalities. I wonder if it is because they meet with so nutcases everyday. They also have worried frowns on their faces, and narrowed, suspicious eyes. All of the guards in Serene Settlements have the same look. Serene Settlements…such a dumb name, but perfectly suitable for a funny farm.

I have a room mate, or rather, cell mate, incidentally. Her name is Sara and she’s pretty nice except for her tendency to suddenly start kissing the wall as she hangs herself by the legs from her bed frame. Sounds impossible, but you have to see her before you get what I mean. Otherwise, she’s quite peaceable and twists loose strands of hair around her finger, humming a melodious tone. I have tried to ask her the name of that song, but I don’t think I can get her to understand me. She just stares up at me dreamily with this wide grin on her face whenever I attempt to strike up a conversation.

Poor girl, her mind has completely gone, probably just like all the other inhabitants of Serene Settlements. Except for me, of course. I have not lost my marbles…not yet, at least. I have no idea how long it would take for my mind to give out in this dreadful place. One day, I will be one of those broken-spirited people, wandering around the hallways of Serene Settlements, mumbling to myself, asking everyone the truth…what is true and what is not. This place has that effect on people, you see. I stared at the pure white wallskin with the tiny grey swirls, spinning forever and ever. Looking down at the blank piece of compaper on the desk in front of me, I pressed the button on my simple chain that activated my e-pen. I needed to write the whole story down…to let everyone know the true story. Permit me to take you for a stroll down the forbidden memory lane, the memory lane that was not supposed to belong to me…

This is a work of fiction, written for amusement during a period of excessive boredom.

42 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky". "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sport."
4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
7. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
8. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
10. Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
15. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
16. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
17. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
20. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
21. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
22. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall # 3."
23. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
24. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
25. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
26. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for smuggling jewels'.
27. Dont use any punctuation
28. Use, too...much; punctuation!
29. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
30. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
31. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
32. Sing along at the opera.
33. Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
34. At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
35. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
36. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. (warning: you can get arrested for this, but that can be instructive too)
37. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
38. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
39. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
40. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
41. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
42. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."


~Snitched this from somewhere~

20 ways of Insanity - Exams.

1. Bring a pillow. The big, fluffy type.
2. Do a Gollum/Smeagol impersonation when debating whether to choose 'A' or 'B'.
3. Threaten to sue because the chairs do not have headrests.
4. Bring an abacus for Mathematics.
5. Raise your hands from time to time, and when the invigilator comes, claim that you are merely improving blood flow to your brain.
6. Ask for extra paper. At the end of the exam, tear them all up and throw the pieces into the air while yelling "CONFETTI!!". When the invigilator comes to collect your paper, simply point to the pieces of paper on the floor.
7. Stare at the invigilator. When he/she comes over to inquire, say "Your face.... It gives me great inspiration." Then start writing.
8. Scribble some random doodles on the table after the exam has commenced. Midway through the exam, scream, " Oh no!!! I didn't know this table was rigged! I'm innocent, I tell you, INNOCENT!!"
9. Wink at the nearest girl/guy occasionally. If questioned by the invigilator, reply "What, a person can't flirt from time to time?" ( If you haven't noticed by now, most of these steps involve giving a hard time to invigilators. But then again, they might just appreciate the amusement. )
10. Bring lots of pens/pencils. Uno-stacko. Enough said. ( or Jenga, whatever suits your taste ).
11. Water balloons. Enough said too.
12. Use chalk to draw a square around your table and label it "My Thinking Area".
13. Juggle erasers.
14. Bring a pair of glasses that are tinted blue ( or any colour you prefer ). During the exam, put them on and stare and point at the front board while jabbering "invisible ink, invisible ink......"
15. During the objective paper, keep flipping a coin. After each flip, mutter audibly " heads...." and fill in your answer. Make sure the sound of the coin hitting the table is not muffled so it can be heard clearly. (alternate between heads and tails)
16. Perform a ritual prior to the exam on your table so that you will be more lucky for #15.
17. Turn your table and chair around, facing the back of the room instead of the front. Insist that this configuration is essential to optimize your Chi flow.
18. Do breathing exercises to relax. Loudly. If the invigilator ( or anyone else ) asks you to stop, shout to them " you're messing me up even more!".
19. Practice yodelling.
20. Write all of these down as your answers during the exam.

~Snitched off Jason~

22 ways of maintaining insanity while in a lift.

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
2) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

~Snitched off Jason~